It’s a memory letter

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Copyright © 2017 – 2019 Nirja Gelal, Beans, Pen & Nirja – All Rights Reserved


“Just anybody”

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Copyright © 2017 – 2019 Nirja Gelal, Beans, Pen & Nirja – All Rights Reserved


It’s an everyday life

My eyes even though they have erased you

You have been out of sight since so long

my steps still seeks for you

it’s good to hear your voice, it makes me re-live

since it’s you, I’m alright

I feel alive


In the midnight, there I lay wide awake in my bed

staring at the ceiling with eyes filled with tears


The waves of everyday life can erase your presence

but can’t remove you from my memory

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Copyright © 2017 – 2019 Nirja Gelal, Beans, Pen & Nirja – All Rights Reserved


I anyway, gave up on the idea of us

Dear friend,

We don’t talk these days, it has been months. Even though, living in the same town we haven’t even seen each other.

You lost me with your words. Making me feel unwanted and outcast made me draw a distance. Now, there’s a fine line between our friendship.

I wonder if we’ll ever smile again when we meet or just a stranger glance would pass. I wonder if we’ll ever talk again like we used to. Would there be anything like old times, I guess probably not.

As, I am writing to you, informing me you lost me. This is probably ridiculous as I say you lost me, maybe this would never matter you and here I’m saying, I’m not there anymore now. And, the most funny part is you’d never read this last letter I wrote for you, a never sent last letter of mine for you. As I write this to you, I remember you always wanted me to write stories and show them to you, then before I never thought someday, I would write about our broken friendship.

There, I lay in my bed, resting my head to the cold wall of this winter, I had a sudden flashback. I never thought how special you’d turn out to be for me. And just suddenly to that big disagreement we had. The small arguments did no matter to us anyway. We had that argument, you had all the blame on me for that. I realized I might have hurt you in any way, that’s why you were so furious. Even today I wonder where did I go wrong even after my apology which I made for our friendship where I was not at any fault. I tried to find my place in your arguments and opinions, but as my un luck would have it, I couldn’t fit myself in. May be I didn’t try to. It was after several days of our so called fight, I gave up on the idea of us. I moved past of all.

I should always be the understanding one, was it always necessary. Not being able to say my feeling to you at those times when you hurt me, was not hiding my emotions rather it was being understandable. But, it didn’t matter you. I cannot point out one single moment which eventually parted our ways away. I really can’t.

I have moved on from our friendship but yes, I do miss you. I anyway gave up on the idea of us. Behind every thought of I gave up on us, I always had a hope of sitting with you and have conversations again just like old times. I can’t fake that I completely gave up on you, I terribly miss you, I miss us, our bond, our time.

When I hear you are still doing good and are happy without me, even having you say in the past you had only me, breaks me a little. And I hate to admit it but some things reminds me of you even today and I miss you still knowing the fact that you don’t feel the way I do, or may be you never missed me, This breaks me more.

You said you were selfish, but it didn’t matter then. But, now I realized you were true.

I know nothing remains permanent, so did our friendship. I completely understand things sometimes happen exactly like they aren’t supposed to be. I know even our happy memory color isn’t going to bring us back together, who has now drifted away. Frankly speaking I was seriously scared to catch closeness with you, it was my misfortune that whenever I get attached, everything just seems to go wrong. I have realized one can’t force attachments no matter how hard you want them to work out. People eventually leave.

I had my happy memorable days in our friendship, I wonder if it’s the same for you.

I don’t know why, but this time it’s over. With my heavy heart, I say, you lost me.

You, my dear friend, take care. May be someday in our life, we might pass each other on crossroads then we could share our stranger smile without having any hurt feelings in us.


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Copyright © 2019 Nirja Gelal, Beans, Pen & Nirja – All Rights Reserved


I wish I could explain my feelings when I think about you

You are constantly on my mind gazing at me with a smile and I fall for you everytime I see your eyes.

You are my comfort zone, my listener, my sole consoler. You gave me your shoulder even before I asked for it, I had you to lean on when I was in my blues. And after a harsh heartbroken feeling, your simple glimpse makes me smile. My happy moments are the reason of you.

Your kiss on my forehead gives me butterflies, when you hold my hand, my heart skips a beat. Everytime I am with you, I am happy, I feel so complete with your hug. Your smile makes me happy.

Since days has passed by and I haven’t seen you for so long, I wish I could see you soon. I miss you even more.

I wish I could explain my feelings when I think about you. I wish I could be with you.

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Copyright © 2019 Nirja Gelal, Beans, Pen & Nirja – All Rights Reserved


I want you to be happy

I am here in your arms, embraced by you
the loneliness in your eyes, asks me to stay
still, you miss her

How can I fight with this breaking emotions of being in your ams
but not in your heart

The sadness that covers you up,
your still continued broken feelings for her
I feel it, everytime you talk about her
and, I loose my words for everything
with tears in my eyes
I gulp the sadness without you knowing

It’s depressing, I can’t make you feel better
will you ever know,
the sorrow in your eyes breaks me
not being able to be with you, terrifies me,
I can’t get over your helpless face

Still knowing, every night you cry hard enough,
for some sound sleep
without having her by your dreams
I lie there besides you, all helpless
still, you won’t see me, can’t feel my pain for you
I hold you, kiss you
still you are numb to my affection
and, I am frozen, I can’t calm your emotions

I am sadden, not because of you
because, I can’t wipe your emotion,
I want you to be happy

if I ever leave,
I just hope, she makes you happy

You’ll be forever mine
destined to be engraved in my heart
with my love for you

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Copyright © 2019 Nirja Gelal, Beans, Pen & Nirja – All Rights Reserved


Dear December_2018

This is continuation to my Dear December_2017. It’s the same day, today the 31st of December, exactly a year before I wrote for you. Today is the same again.

When I talked about 2017, I actually thanked the year even though the roads were not smooth enough, which have been the same this year too.

2018 has been the year more rough than past. The ups and downs of this year always moved to the declining part. Still, here I’m standing, held my head exactly up, and this smile, I know I look damn good with it.

2017 left an empty feeling but the void in me somehow managed to get filled late this 2018 but not completely, still the month was you.

What remained intact in that and this year was my on going depression which was always followed by continuous battle for and with my emotions, relationship and family with some disguised emotions in me for others to make me see, I’m just perfectly fine.

Hey December, I must be in love with you. The coldness of you cannot stop me from coming to you. The chilly wind of your midnight with moon always makes me happy. Your coldness is my solace.

Our bittersweet memories are a treasure for lifetime.

The best part of 2018 was being sad but happiness eventually followed. I hope I continue to appreciate you dear December and write to you always even though I know I get enough very easily. Hope I won’t do that injustice to you and keep on loving you for more more time.

I love you. I already started missing you. Come back sooner.


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Copyright © 2018 Nirja Gelal, Beans, Pen & Nirja – All Rights Reserved


And the rest is just love

Dear You,

You have been vivid part of my life. Since years has passed by, and without even having your glimpse, I still miss you with all my happy feelings which I had with you.

You are now a photograph of my life taken long ago. Still, I recollect my joy when I keep them in my heart.

The words spilled on this paper is the only place where I can be with you and I can love you. These words makes me close to you and I write in your memory. I write about our missing memories where we are there for each other.

I was not a graceful person. I was broken heart with the mix of darkness and hurt absorbed on me.  But you chose to collect pieces of me and made me someone who could love back again. You have been my healing love. I smiled with you. You distressed may pain and healed me.

It’s been a year, being away from you, someone I still crave. My thoughts are scattered around you and it reminds me I’m waiting for you. That white shirt in my place breaks me once again. I choke, I am carried to our past with your memories when you said you will never leave.

And the rest is just love.


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Copyright © 2018 Nirja Gelal, Beans, Pen & Nirja – All Rights Reserved